


BE STILL, MY SOUL

by poemygod



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, F/M, Marvel 616/MCU Crossover, Marvel Universe, Wasptain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-28 16:40:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18760327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poemygod/pseuds/poemygod
Summary: Warning:This work is dark and full of Endgame spoilers.Five years after the snap, Janet Van Dyne and Steve Rogers struggle to find a balance between moving forward with their lives and trying to find a way to undo what Thanos did.





	1. Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears?

**Cresskill, NJ**   
_5 years after the snap_

 

Sometimes when the wind blew just right, she could still smell it. The lingering scent seared into her senses long after the ash and dust had been washed out of her hair. Janet couldn’t stop the way her stomach turned, the buried memories floating to the surface like the sooty particles, causing her to shudder even five years later. Turning her hand over, she almost expected to see it flecked across her pale skin, an everlasting reminder that she had survived. 

Exhaling a long breath, she shook her head as if to clear out the thoughts that had seeped into her mind, hand perched against the frame of the back door. Bright eyes wandered over the backyard, a squeal of laughter cutting through the eerie silence and the bark of a dog following right after. 

It had been five years and even though she’d stopped marking them off on her calendar, Jan could still count how many days it had been by memory. They’d known the consequences would be catastrophic, but no one had anticipated the extent of the fall out. Half the world’s population; gone. Humans, wildlife, everything. In an instant, a single moment had changed everything in a way that there was no back up plan for. How could they prepare for that? 

They’d fought and they’d lost. 

Some more than others. 

Janet had been part of the recon team, each of them sent out across different parts of the globe to calculate the loss and to register the missing. While it had been an agonizing task, she knew that they owed it to the fallen. It was impossible to gauge the full magnitude of who was gone. Scott and Nadia had been the hardest for her. While she had no definitive proof that they were not in a microverse somewhere, it was dangerous to hold onto that hope. 

Steve did enough of that for the both of them. 

The weight of grief and guilt had hit him hard, heavy on his shoulders as he’d searched desperately for a way to undo it. Following any lead, sending teams out across the galaxy to find any sort of answer. There was nothing that he didn’t look into or try. His endless quest kept them separated and while it hurt to have him gone, watching him suffer was almost worse. In the months following the snap, they’d spent so much time apart trying to fix things, that it had come as a complete shock to find out she was pregnant. 

Granted, kids had never been part of their plan. For years, she’d been told that it would never happen. All of the experimentation and the instability of Pym Particles were too great of a risk. As much as it had hurt, she’d accepted it until Nadia had come along like a breath of fresh air. Adopting her had brought them both joy, even though she was a teenager. For a brief moment, a family and happiness had been in their grasp. 

Thanos stripped that away from them and she couldn’t blame Steve for his frantic search to find a solution. 

Everleigh had been their miracle. 

The truth of the matter was that she had saved them. By the time Janet had figured out she was pregnant, she’d already given up. They’d just found Tony thanks to Carol and Steve had been so broken. Telling him about the baby had been a gift of salvation, his new purpose. None of them would ever be able to move on, but they could try to move forward. 

For days after that, he’d clung to the sonogram and Jan had woken up several times in the middle of the night to him resting against her stomach, whispering secret conversations to their unborn daughter. 

As things had progressed and complications arose in the pregnancy, the missions became fewer and farther between until finally they made the decision to move back to her childhood home in Cresskill. It was strange at first, but eventually they fell into a peaceful routine. 

There was still guilt. 

It woke them both up at night sometimes. The nightmares were vivid, haunting each of them well into the morning light. When she’d gone into labor early, Jan had sobbed. They’d just found some small amount of happiness and it seemed like fate was trying to steal it from them. 

Sarah Everleigh Rogers had made her appearance four weeks early, fighting her way into a broken world and piecing together the gaping wounds that decorated her parents souls. Miracles had never existed for Jan, but holding that tiny baby girl and watching her clutch at Steve’s index finger, she’d known that somehow they would be okay. 

A bark echoed in the backyard, startling Janet from her reverie and she smiled, stepping out onto the back step and whistling loudly.

“Evie! Jasper! Come on you two! Time to eat!” Her voice rang out, the distant caw of a bird responding to her as the sound of pounding feet reverberated against the ground. The infectious laughter of her four-year-old daughter was such a sweet song that the tension in her shoulders seemed to fade as she caught sight of the motley pair. Jasper had been a stray puppy that had taken to Steve when they were on vacation in Greece years ago. The pair had happily brought him home with them and been surprised to find him at the house after everyone had disappeared. Their cats had been missing, but it was a welcome relief that their dog had survived. 

“Is Daddy home?” Evie called out, bounding up the stairs and into the house as Janet stepped aside. 

“Not yet. He went to visit Aunt Nat after his meeting. The two of them are probably hanging out.” Smiling as she bent to help her daughter with her shoes, she plopped the muddy sneakers on the rug and helped the dirty girl up. 

“Can Auntie Nat come to dinner?” She perked a brow at her mother and Jan couldn’t help but snort at how much she looked like Steve in the moment.

“Maybe another night. It’s time to eat now. Go wash up please.” Closing the door behind Jasper, she shooed Evie off to the bathroom before walking back to the kitchen. Reaching for her phone, she sighed as she sent a text to Steve, just to make sure he’d be back for bedtime. Going to the survivors meetings was good for him and she didn’t mind him driving up to the compound to check in on Nat. It helped them both cope.

Scooping up a plate of mac and cheese for Evie, she sat it on the counter, opting to relax in the kitchen since it would just be the two of them. The now mostly clean girl clamored into the kitchen, trying to climb up into her chair without help. Jan couldn’t help but laugh, moving over to lift her up, pushing the stool in so that she was close to the counter.

“Next time Auntie Nat comes, she should bring Uncle Clint. Or Uncle Tony. I wanna play with Morgan.” Evie muttered, shoveling a bite of noodles into her mouth and only managing to drop a few onto the floor for a hungry Jasper to scoop up. Smile softening, she sat up in the chair beside Evie and nodded. 

“Maybe another time. I’ll call Aunt Pepper and set up a play date. I don’t know if we’ll see Uncle Clint any time soon.” Picking at her own food, she hated to see the disappointment on her daughters face, but it couldn’t be helped. Hawkeye had gone off the grid after the snap and he always seemed to be two steps ahead of them. 

“Well, I miss him.” There was a pout in her voice, taking another bite of her dinner and chewing in a manner that could only be described as petulant. 

“Me too, kiddo.”

 

____________

 

The rest of dinner passed with quiet conversation about frogs, rocks, and Jasper finding an actual squirrel to chase around the yard. All of the important things in a four-year-old girls life. As the clock ticked past 7:45, Jan frowned as she put the dishes into the sink. Looking over at Everleigh, her head dipped against the counter, hair falling in her face, she sighed and checked to see if there were any missed messages on her phone.

“Daddy’s not going to tuck me in, is he?” Her voice was small as she glanced up at Janet and the brunette felt a pang of guilt rush through her.

“Probably not. But how about I read an extra book and sing two songs.” Giving her a smile as she nodded sadly, she pulled her down from the chair, walking her upstairs to get ready for bedtime.

 

___________

With Evie tucked safely into bed, Jan stared at her phone outside of her bedroom, sighing as she pocketed the device and hurried back down the stairs. Cleaning up the dinner dishes was quick work, but there were a few from the night before to wash and she decided it would be best to work on something rather than dwell on what was keeping Steve. 

The microwave clock read 11:16 by the time she heard the garage door open and she let out a huff, scrubbing at the plate in her hands with a little more vigor than necessary. Her worry had transitioned to anger and frustration over the course of the last hour and she kept her back to the door to give herself a moment to calm down as she heard Steve’s keys rattle against the counter top. Apparently a moment was not enough… 

“You know, I don’t mind you going to visit Nat after the support meetings or even missing dinner, but you promised to always be at bed time. It’s frustrating…” She scrubbed at the pan in front of her, letting out a rush of air as she glanced out her peripherals to try and catch sight of him.

“Janet….” Steve’s voice was laced with exhaustion and she couldn't stop the roll of her eyes. 

“No Steve. No excuses. It’s not fair to Everleigh to stay up waiting for you if you aren’t going to be home.” 

“Jan-“ 

“I mean, I get it! We’ve all lost tons in this world, but we have something special here and if we’re not careful, she’s going to be grown up and I’m just not ready for that… She asked about you. She wanted you to si-“ 

“Janet.” The voice made her freeze, trembling fingers clutching at the coffee mug in her hand as her mouth hung open in disbelief. Turning slowly, tears pricking at the edge of her vision, Nadia was standing there at the counter, looking over at her with wide dark eyes. A crash reverberated in her ears and it took her a moment to realize she’d dropped the mug, but she didn’t care. 

In an instant, she had closed the distance between them, wrapping the girl who hadn’t aged a day up in her arms. Tears spilled down her cheeks, eyes wide as she held her in impossibly close, afraid that if she let go… 

Her gaze turned to Steve, his face drained and bone weary, an overly perky, smiling Scott Lang beside him waving at her. Nadia clung to her and she was all too happy to hold her in close, trying desperately to find words to ask her husband what was going on, but coming up short as a muffled sob escaped her. He stepped in closer, resting a hand on each of their shoulders and leaning in to press a kiss to Jan’s forehead, all her anger from earlier evaporating at his touch. Bright eyes met and she felt like the air had been forced out of her lungs, unable to catch a breath at the hope that lingered in his tired gaze.

“Jan, we need to talk…”


	2. When dearest friends depart.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning:  
> This work is dark and full of Endgame spoilers.
> 
> Scott Lang and Nadia Van Dyne are back and ready to take on Thanos. The crew needs to formulate a plan, but there's some things that need to be said before they can get very far.

Face buried in her hands, Jan scrubbed at her eyes and let out a grumbled groan of exhaustion and frustration. The red numbers on the clock danced slightly, 3:57 blurring as she squinted at them from her position on the counter.

“Okay… go over it one more time, but slower.” She mumbled, resting her elbows on her criss-crossed knees and her chin settling against her tented fists. They’d been talking for hours already and it was evident by Scott’s annoyed look that she wasn’t grasping the elaborate scheme he’d just explained. Even Nadia sighed, carding her fingers through Jasper’s fur. The dog hadn’t left her side upon finding her in the kitchen and Janet couldn’t blame him. 

“It’s not that hard Jan. You understand the microverse as well as we do. Time moves differently down there.” Lang paced in front of her, gesturing wildly with his hands and nearly smacking her in the face as he turned to pace the kitchen again. He’d woken up Evie with his exclamations not long ago and Steve had rushed up to take care of that while the others tried to explain their plan to Janet. “What if we harnessed the quantum energy from the microverse and used it as a conduit. We could travel to different points in time.” 

“Like a time machine. What you’re explaining sounds like a time machine.” Pressing her fingertips into her temples and rubbing, she looked up at him with an arched brow, feeling a little better at the sheepish look that crossed his features. “I swear to god Scott, if you are talking about time travel….”

“It could work though.” Nadia’s voice caused her to blink, looking over at the younger girl as Steve came back down the stairs. “What felt like years to you guys was only a few minutes for us. If we were to figure out the math, we could jump back and change things in a matter of seconds.” Shrugging, she went back to petting Jasper, laying her head against the back of the couch.

“What she said.” Scott nodded as Steve walked over to the counter, arms crossing over his chest as he stood next to Jan. “Nadia thinks that if we can get into Pym Labs we would be able to build a bigger version of the device we used to direct the energy so that we can move through quantum pathways. If we come up with a plan…”

“That’s the part I don’t like.” Shaking her head, Jan hopped off the counter, stumbling a little since her leg had fallen asleep about twenty minutes ago. “You keep saying ‘IF’ we come up with a plan. That means you don’t have one and I just… I can’t get behind that. Too much has happened for you to be talking about if’s, Scott. Besides…” She swallowed, letting out a long breath before looking over at Nadia, knowing this affected her the most. “Pym Labs has been shut down for years.” 

“What?!” That had gotten her attention. Nadia jumped up, hurrying over to Janet, looking up at her with confusion in her eyes. “Why is the lab closed?” There was a hint of worry in her voice and Jan understood why. Half the population was gone. Resting her hands on her shoulders, she took a moment to try and come up with the words. 

“Everyone’s gone, Nadia. Ying, Shay, Priya, Tai, even Bobbi. Lexi wanted to be with her family after what happened. Without G.I.R.L, I shut down Pym Labs… “ Pausing, she could feel the shaking off her oldest daughters shoulders, closing her eyes as she pulled her close into an encompassing hug. “I’m so sorry sweetie…” Glancing over at Steve, he shook his head and frowned. It had been years since they’d talked about shutting down Pym Labs.

“Why don’t you take Nadia up to bed, Jan? Scott and I can talk down here for a little bit.” Glancing between the two of them, she nodded, ushering the still shaking Nadia towards her bedroom, her hand balanced at the small of her back as they walked up the stairs. The room was directly across from Everleigh’s, door closed and Jan had to use a little force to get it to actually open up. 

She hadn’t had the heart to pack anything of Nadia’s up. It had been too hard. There was a part of her that had not stopped holding out hope that she really hadn’t been snapped.

“You kept it the same.” Nadia’s eyes were wide again, rimmed with tears as she looked around her room, hand hovering over the duvet. 

“Pretty fitting since you haven’t aged a day.” There was a teasing note in her voice, but mostly Jan was sad. Five years were gone and they’d never get them back. Nadia hadn’t gotten to meet Evie, let alone watch her grow up. Maybe now they had a second chance at that, but part of her still ached for what could have been. “You should try to rest. I’m sure that Steve and Scott are plotting against me, but we will figure this out. I promise.” Easing her down onto the bed, she stood there for a moment before heading back towards the door.

“Janet?” Pausing in the doorframe, she looked back at Nadia, the shell-shocked look beginning to fade from her face. “We’re going to destroy Thanos for what he did, aren’t we?” It was more of an inquisitive statement than a question and even though she had her doubts, Jan knew the answer. 

“You bet your ass we are, bumblebee.”

 

______________

 

“What if-“ 

“No.” 

“You didn’t even let me finish!” 

“Scott, I’ve known you for years, I know what you’re going to say.” 

Janet was the one pacing now, dark hair tugged up into a messy bun on top of her head. It was bordering on 5am and none of them had stopped brainstorming since Nadia had gone to bed. Her brain felt like mush sloshing around in her skull and she turned to face the old dry erase board that Steve had dragged out of the basement and set up in the living room. There were mathematic equations scribbled across it and odd drawings of portals that Scott had come up with. Years ago, she’d never have been able to piece together the quantum physics they were working on. 

Yanking the marker from Scott, she walked over and erased one of the equations, moving it to the next line. With a sigh, she moved over to the couch, flopping down beside Steve who gave a little snort and let his head fall against her shoulder. 

“I think we’ve worked on this as much as we can tonight…” She muttered, the weight of the day making her shoulders tense, afraid that if she closed her eyes she would fall asleep like Steve had. Tapping his leg, she shrugged her shoulder, his head bouncing a little. “Come on. Bedtime. Scott, you’re welcome to the couch.” 

“But what about..” Scott’s mouth snapped shut at the look she shot him. “Yeah, okay. Cool cool cool cool cool cool. We’ll work on it tomorrow. That’s totally fine.”

 

______________ 

It had barely been an hour when Jan felt strong arms wrap around her, tugging her lithe frame back into Steve’s solid chest. Mumbling sleepily as she curled up, calloused fingers carded through her hair, twisting dark strands over his knuckles. 

“Are you asleep?” His voice reverberated against her back, deep and somehow quiet at the same time. 

“Not anymore…” Jan muttered back, feeling him press an apologetic kiss to her shoulder softly, his beard rubbing against her skin. “What’s on your mind, Steve?” There was a slight pause, his finger curling her hair in a spiral before letting it slip off. 

“You and Scott are two of the smartest people I know, especially when it comes to the microverse. Throw Nadia into the mix and I’m sure that you guys could figure this out after a while. The problem is, we don’t have a lot of time. We need to ask some other people for help.” There was another pause and Jan sort of drifted back to sleep for a moment, only waking up again when Steve ran his fingers over her scalp slowly. “You know who we need…” 

“He’ll never come, Steve…” 

“I know a little girl who might be able to convince him.” 

Jan felt him place another kiss at the side of her neck, his lips curling into a smile against her skin and she let out a sigh as she relaxed back into him, drifting off to sleep again. 

“I’ll make the call.”

**Author's Note:**

> The original characters in this story are my creation. Please do not use them without permission.


End file.
